The Fat Girl

This weekend I proctored the ACT. Steve and I often do this, it's an easy way to make some money, and Nathan gets to hang out with Papa while we do it.

This time around, I was in the last room, so I only had 13 people taking the test. I had all types: the tall, gangly boys, the athletic jocks, a couple scruffy-looking guys, some cute girls, an "I can't believe she wore that much makeup at 7:30 in the morning" girl... and a fat girl.

I hate, hate, hate that I describe her that way, even to myself! But she was. Much heavier than anyone else there. Stringy hair. Guarded expression.

As I looked at her taking the test, I realized that even a fat girl like me, noticed her weight first thing. So is it any wonder that the thin world sees that first about me? I mean, if you were to meet me for the first time, and then someone asked you, "Which one is Grace?", how would you describe me? You could mention my curly brown hair or my glasses or my smile, but whether you said it or not, your first thought would probably be "the heavy-set girl".

And you'd be right. I am the heavy-set girl.

The fat girl.

I know it. You know it. We all know it. It's the truth of who I am.

But it still hurts to hear.

I realized that even though I could empathize and understand that fat girl at the ACT better than probably anyone else in that room, I STILL saw that she was fat. In fact, it was the very first think I noticed about her, and what I remember about her.

When people see me, I don't want them to see just another fat girl. I don't want them to see me at all. I want them to see Jesus, who lives in me. But how can people see Him when all they see is fat?

I know it is time to change my habits once and for all in order to be healthy and whole. I can even do pretty good... for a time. But I have never been able to stick with it for the long-term. Even in the short month since I've been keeping this blog, I've probably only been "on program" about half the time.

But I am taking a real hard look at myself, the fat girl, and I'm trying to figure out how to change.