NSVs

Down another 1.5 lbs today! Woo-hoo! And I had some awesome NSVs (that's non-scale victories, doncha know?) this week also.

The first, of course, is the great shopping miracle of 2010 that I shared about in my last post. I wore one of my new shirts today to church and got lots of compliments on it, which was nice.

The second happened yesterday as well. We went out to eat for dinner, and I got a meal that I had gotten before, but this time... I wasn't able to finish it. I only ate about half of it, and then I was full, so I... wait for it... STOPPED EATING. And yes, I know some of you may not understand how amazing this was, but trust me. It was a victory!

Finally today, we drove through McDonald's after church, and I ordered a grilled chicken salad. It crossed my mind briefly to go ahead and get the hamburger and fries, since I had just weighed in and I had a whole week before I had to hop back on the scale, but I didn't. I got the salad, and I ate the salad, and I enjoyed the salad.

They're little things, sure, but I'll take 'em! :)

A "Minor" Miracle

A couple of weeks ago, I was given a Kohl's gift card for my birthday. (Thanks, Dad and Jennifer!) So today I decided that I had put it off long enough, and I was going to go do some shopping for... GASP... me!

I'm going to be real honest with you... I was not looking forward to it. Did I need some new shirts? Yes. Desperately. But I hate, hate, hate clothes shopping for myself.

I'll give you three guesses why.

I hate clothes shopping for myself because I hate the way I look. The clothes may look all cute and stuff on the hangers, but for some reason once I put them on me they look hideous. Or maybe it's just me.

But today was the day and I was bound and determined. So Steve and Nate dropped me off in the Women's (aka Plus Size, aka Fat Lady) section, and then they ran for the hills. Yeah, they know how I am.

So I found some shirts that I liked. And I found the size that I am (I'm not going to tell you what size... but let's just say there was a number in front of an X). I found some good deals and I found some cute shirts and I made my way to the fitting room.

And once I was safely locked behind that fitting room door, I looked at myself in the mirror. Hands full of clothes, eyes full of dread. And I just did not want to try on those clothes only to be disappointed again.

So what's a girl to do?

I prayed.

I really did. I stood there and I prayed that this would not be a horrible experience and that I would be able to find SOMETHING that actually looked good on me.

And then I started trying on shirts.

And an amazing thing happened.

I put on a shirt and thought to myself, "Hmmm, it's cute... but kind of baggy."

So I tried on another shirt, and thought the same thing.

(And just so you know, I do not like fitted shirts. My friend D accuses me often of trying to hide my bulk by dressing myself in circus-tent-like clothing, but these shirts were even too baggy for me! And that's saying something!)

By this time I was feeling a bit confused, but I kept trying on clothes, and the next shirt fit me pretty well. But then I tried on one just like it but in another color and it was way too baggy on me again.

At this point, I was just baffled enough to start my own investigation, and I noticed that the one shirt that had actually fit, that had not been too baggy, was mislabeled. The hanger said the size that I usually get. But the shirt itself was a size down.

My moth dropped open when I realized that my usual size was too big, and the right fit was actually a size smaller. Still an X... but one number down.

So I went back out and got smaller sizes in all the shirts and tried them all on and
THEY ALL FIT!

I was able to buy 5 shirts that I really liked and that actually didn't look too bad on me.

It was a shopping miracle!

And it was also a much needed reminder that even though the scale has been moving down S-L-O-W-L-Y, I am still making progress and I just need to keep it up!

Moving on DOWN!

Finally!

After a couple weeks of gaining, I finally saw the scale move in the right direction today! I lost 2 1/2 lbs this week and I am so grateful! I had been expecting a gain after our weekend trip to our college town, but when I gained again the next week I was surprised and frustrated. Maybe it just took a couple weeks for my body to get on board with what I'm trying to do here. Who knows? But, I am thankful that the scale is starting to move on down!

My goals for this week are:

1. Drink my water.
It's been so hot, so you'd think I'd have no trouble getting all my water in each day... but you'd be wrong. For whatever reason, I am having a real hard time drinking water, so I'm making it a goal this week to drink at least 64 fl. oz. of water each day. So far, so good.

2. Move my body.
Again, it's been so hot that I have not wanted to get out and take a walk, or do much moving in any way, shape, or form. But, I have been doing some in-home walking with Leslie Sansone (Walk Away the Pounds DVDs), and I walked in the church gym with a friend this week, so I'm working on it. I'd like to do some form of exercise AT LEAST 4 days this week.

3. Journal my eating.
I want to continue learning this new way of using food for my body's benefit. I'm discovering what works for me, and what doesn't. So I want to journal my food choices this week so I can see clearly what I'm really eating. You can't change what you don't know, you know? :)

Here's to a great, HEALTHY week. Who's with me?

Baby Steps

After a wonderful/horrible weekend in our college town (wonderful in all ways, but horrible as far as my diet was concerned!), it's been a pretty good week so far. I did gain a couple pounds after our weekend away, but we ate at our old college haunts, went to a rehearsal dinner at an Italian place, had wedding cupcakes and those awesome hand-made cream cheese mint things, and basically I did not follow my diet AT ALL. So, I deserved the gain. But, I'm hoping it will be gone when I step on the scale on Sunday.

I'm learning more and more what this new eating plan looks like day in and day out. I've stocked up on some protein options (though I can't find soy nuts at Walmart to save my life!), and I'm focusing this week on counting those carbs and balancing them with proteins. I haven't gotten it perfect, but I'm taking baby steps.

One big "ah-ha" moment I had this week is this: My breakfasts do not have to look like typical breakfasts. I'm realizing that normal breakfast foods are not going to work for me. Sure, I can have eggs or sausage or turkey bacon, but I'm not going to eat that every day. I can eat cereal like Rice Crispies with milk, but it takes A LOT of milk to balance those carbs. Or, I can eat a slightly modified breakfast.

Take yesterday, for example. I had a toasted English muffin with deli turkey and cheese on it. Basically a turkey and cheese sandwich for breakfast. Maybe a bit odd, sure. But healthy and balanced and delicious and within my plan. So, it works!

Another thing that has been a challenge for me is the fact that fruits are carbs. It's not healthy for me to mindlessly snack out of the bowl of grapes. I have to count them out, and then I have to have a protein to balance them. It's a new mindset, but I'm starting to think this way and it is getting more natural.

I do need to get more veggies in. I have never been a huge veggie-eater, so this has always been hard for me. But a friend just gave us some cucumbers and zucchini, and I bought salad greens this week too, so I am trying.

Whew! There is a lot to keep straight.

But I'll keep on taking these baby steps and I'll figure it all out... eventually!

What We Have Learned

Many of you have asked what I am learning from my Insulin Resistance diet book. It's actually been very informative and interesting! I have slowly started following the guidelines, not perfectly yet, as I'm still learning the ins and outs, but I'm taking steps in that direction and I feel good about that.

Basically, the Insulin Resistance diet focuses on the Link and Balance System. I limit the amount of carbs I eat in a 2-hour window to no more than 2 servings (or 30 grams total). I don't have to eat that much, but I can't eat more than that. In addition to limiting the amount of carbs, the other important aspect of the plan is to balance what carbs I do eat with protein. For every serving (15 grams) of carbs that I eat, I must eat a serving (7 grams) of protein along with it. So it's not a no-carb diet, but it's all about eating carbs in the right combination with other foods so my body can use them for energy and not store them as fat.

So, carbs must always be linked with protein, and I must eat enough protein to balance the carbs that I eat. (I can eat more protein, and I can eat as many non-starchy veggies as I want, but I have to eat at least enough protein to balance out the carbs.) Link and Balance. Get it?

The biggest thing I'm learning as I try to implement this eating plan is that there are carbs in EVERYTHING! In addition to the obvious grains and pastas and breads and potatoes, fruits count as carbs too. Which means that I can't eat a sandwich AND some grapes for lunch, because that would put me over on carbs. But, I can eat a sandwich and a low-fat yogurt, and then wait 2 hours and have grapes, along with a protein, for a snack. This eating plan encourages eating meals and snacks, but the key is to make sure there are at least 2 hours in between times that you eat carbs. If I get hungry within a 2-hour time frame, I can eat veggies or protein.

One thing that the book suggests that I am going to do is to stock up on easy-to-grab-and-eat protein foods. Some of the suggestions they give are:

Low-fat cheese sticks
Beef or turkey jerky
cups of bean or lentil soup
roasted soy nuts
law-fat or fat-free yogurt
1% milk

There are others but those are the ones that sound the best to me. The book recommends having these on hand so you can quickly grab a protein serving or two to balance out whatever carbs are eaten. So, I plan on stocking up on protein snacks the next time I get to the store.

So how does this work in everyday life? I actually think it's very doable. Here's a real-life example from my life this week of how I could eat in lines with this diet plan and still enjoy my food:

Last night, my family took me to Cascones, my favorite Italian restaurant, to celebrate my birthday. (Which was weeks ago, but this was the first time we were all able to get together!) I knew I wanted to get spaghetti and meatballs, which is my favorite dish there. I knew that I could eat 30 grams of carbs at dinner, which amounted to about 1 cup of spaghetti, and that I needed to balance it with at least 14 grams of protein. So, I ordered spaghetti and meatballs, ate 1 cup of the spaghetti (shared the rest with Nathan and brought some home), and ate all the meatballs, since I can have more protein. I did not eat any bread, which was hard, but I reminded myself that I really wanted to be able to eat a whole cup of the spaghetti, which helped. I also got a veggie-based soup before my meal. So I enjoyed my favorite meal and my favorite restaurant and still ate within my plan.

(Now... I did eat cake and ice cream later that night, which was not linked and balanced, but the book also talks about splurging and how we shouldn't beat ourselves up when we splurge every once and awhile. Since we were celebrating my birthday and it was a special occasion, I splurged. But I will not be able to do that every night!)

So that's an overview of what I am learning and what it looks like in my daily life. I really think this is something that I can do for the rest of my life. Right now it's still work, as I have to plan what to eat and look up carb amounts, but I know as I do it more and more it will get easier. So far I've lost 1 lb a week ago, and I will weigh again this Sunday. Even if I don't show big losses yet, I am still taking baby steps as I learn this plan, and I know the scale will start to reflect those good choices if I just keep at it!

Cleaning out the temple

First of all, how do you like the new blog design? I'm not sure I'm 100% crazy about it yet, but my old blog design was not being offered anymore so I had to come up with a new one. I'll keep tweaking it, but for now it is what it is.

It's confession time again. Man I hate doing these!

I have been eating pretty well this past week. I've been reading my insulin resistance book and I'm starting to make some changes and grow in my understanding, though I have not finished the book yet. But I'm taking steps and implementing the things I have learned as I read. Which probably makes what happened last night all the worse because I had actually been doing good.

First you must understand that last night, I was alone. Alone in the house. Steve was at a conference. Nate was spending the night with his grandparents. And I, for the first time in a very long time, had some "just me" time at home. I had bought Season 1 of The Office on sale at Walmart with some birthday money, and I had gotten some chips and french onion dip to snack on while I watched. (This is a treat for me, and one I almost never get!)

If I had just had a helping of chips and french onion dip the story would have ended here.

But, that isn't what happened.

I not only ate W-A-Y too much chips and french onion dip, but I also drove through McDonald's for dinner. And even though I thought about getting a salad... I got a Big Mac and fries.

You know where this is going, don't you? You can tell it isn't going to end well. And deep down, I think I knew that too... but the instant gratification of eating something "forbidden" to me won out.

It all came back early this morning. Literally.

Now I don't throw up all that often. But I did this morning. And afterward, as I stumbled back to bed, I started praying.

I told God that I knew I had brought this on myself. I asked Him to forgive me and to help me remember this next time I'm tempted. (Because I know there will be a next time, and a time after that, and a time after that!)

And then this crazy thought popped into my head and out of my mouth before I'd even had time to fully formulate it.

I thanked God for cleaning out the temple.

Do you remember the story in the Bible where Jesus goes to the temple and sees the people abusing God's house? There are money changers who are doing business and cheating people right there in the temple! And Jesus fills up with this righteous anger and starts overturning tables and using whips to get the moneychangers out of His Father's house!

And we may wonder, what happened to the meek and mild Jesus who loves us all?

But I realized last night after I had thrown up that Jesus cleared out the temple because of love. Love for His Father. Love for the church. Love for the people who wanted to worship there. And even love for the moneychangers, who were sinning and needed to be corrected.

And Jesus cleaned me out because of love too. Love for His Father, who gave us every good gift and doesn't want us to abuse them. Love for my body, the temple of the Holy Spirit, which was being polluted and mired by sin. Love for the people who needed to see Jesus in me clearly, but couldn't.

And love for me, the glutton, who was sinning and needed to be corrected.

How deep the Father's love for us
How vast beyond all measure
That He would give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure.

Miracles in the Mundane

Do you ever have one of those seemingly innocent moments when something happens that most people would say is just a coincidence, but you KNOW it was God? One of those "this is just a little thing that is no big deal" to anyone else, but you know without a doubt that God is speaking to you. That for some cosmic reason, Almighty God reached down into the mundane to shake things up just for you.

Yeah, one of THOSE moments.

Well I had one yesterday... at the public library.

And you know it's gonna be a good day when God shows up at the public library!

The other day, Nate and I went to the library to check out some books. (because that's what you do at a library. I'm surprised you didn't know that!) I couldn't remember if I had gotten my last round of books in on time, so I stuck a dollar in my pocket just in case I had a fine.

I didn't. Score!

So Nathan and I are at the desk getting ready to check out our books, and I notice the shelves of old books that even a small town library can't move. You know, the ones that they try to pawn off on people for $1? And most of them sit there for a l-o-n-g time, owing to the fact that most of them were written circa 1945. They are musty and dusty and most people wouldn't look twice at them.

I know I wouldn't.

But for some reason, I did.

Next to the shelves of books there was a box full of old record albums. And right in front of the records, there was a book. An fresh-looking, non-dusty, recently written book. My eye went right to it, just as if it had waved its arms and called my name.

And what was the title of this so obviously out-of-place book?

The Insulin-Resistance Diet.

And what have I been diagnosed with, which goes hand-in-hand with my PCOS?

Yep. Insulin-Resistance.

I asked the librarian if that book was really for sale, and she glanced at it and said, "Sure."

So I handed over my dollar.

And I walked out with a book in my hands that just might help me eat the way I need to, not only for weight-loss, but to treat my PCOS, help my infertility, and hopefully prevent me from developing more serious diseases in the future.

Now you tell me, how miraculous would that be?

Confessions of a Fat Girl

You know you're a fat girl when you can't ride one of the rides at an amusement park because you can't get the seat belt to fasten.

This happened to me on vacation in Georgia. Now, I should mention that it was a kiddie ride that I was trying to ride with Nathan. So yes, it was smaller than the average ride. But I have never in my life had to get off a ride, call someone smaller over to take my place, and stand on the sides watching because I was just too fat.

I felt really bad for the baby-faced teenage ride attendant who had to say, "I'm sorry ma'am, I can't get it to latch!" I felt bad for Nathan, who wanted me to ride with him. But most of all, I felt bad for myself, because my weight was holding me back in a very real, very public, way.

Sure, I can make an excuse. I mean, it was a kiddie ride. And all the grown-up rides that I wanted to ride, I could... but if I'm being honest, they were tight and uncomfortable too. And an average-sized adult, like Steve, had no trouble riding that kiddie ride with Nathan.

I have got to lose some of this weight. I have got to make my health a priority. I have got to admit to myself that my weight does have an adverse affect on the way I live my life.

And I've got to make the changes needed to get healthy, once and for all.

Who's to blame?

I haven't been doing as well this week so far as I have the past weeks. I haven't been making the best eating choices and my exercising has gone by the wayside too.

I blame Steve.

OK, not really. But he did fly out on Friday for a 2-week mission trip to Romania. And I miss him and I tend to be an emotional eater... can you see where I'm going with this? But wait, there's more.

I have not been sleeping well at night because I'm not used to not having him here, so I wake up tired and I just can't seem to find the energy to exercise.

So really, it's all his fault.

Sigh.

No, it's my fault. I have been giving into my excuses again. Ugh, that's so easy to do! Right when I seem to be hitting my stride I find some other reason to slip back into those unhealthy habits that have held me captive for far too long.

I plan on doing better tomorrow. I plan on going to the store and getting some healthy food options to have on hand. I play on exercising early in the day, and hopefully that will help boost my energy level. I'm planning on focusing on my health and the changes that I can make, instead of lying to myself and making excuses.

Exercising like it's 1984!

I have this workout tape, circa 1984, that I pull out every now and then when I get sick of walking. So today, a mere 5 days into my exercise routine, I found myself with this in my hands:

Seriously.

Joan Lunden, do you remember her? Joan and 4 of her closest friends sweating out some mad 80s-style dance moves and "having fun while burning fat!"

Sure they are.

Honestly, though, when you get past the outfits (skin-tight full body leotards with high-top white sneakers) and the hair styles (do you really need that sweat-band, Joan?) and the music (there are just.no.words)... the workout isn't really that bad.

I wouldn't call it fun, but it is more interesting than walking in place.

And completing it did turn me into a red-faced, sweaty, stinky mess.

So it's all good.

But I have to ask, What are some of your favorite go-to, "gee, I hope no one ever sees me doing this" workout tapes?

Walk a Mile in my Shoes...

... because then I won't have to!

I have set a goal for myself for the month of June. Nathan is doing Summer School, so I am by myself from 7:30-3:00 every weekday. Which means that all my excuses that I've been using all year as to why I can't find time to exercise are basically worthless. So I decided that I would get some type of exercise every day that Nathan is in school.

Yesterday was the first day of school, and the first day of my exercise plan. I wanted to ease into things, since I haven't worked out in awhile, so I did a 1-mile Walk Away the Pounds DVD.

As far as workouts go, this isn't a bad one. It takes about 25 minutes with the warm-up and cool-down, and it's low-impact, of course, since it's a walking workout. Even the host, Leslie Sansone, isn't all that annoying, though at one point she does turn to the heavy-set gal in the back and say, "Good girl, Sharon!" Uh... she may be fat, but she's not a 3-year-old! But other than that she's pretty encouraging and not so chipper that she makes me want to lash out irrationally.

Today, I needed to return some library books, so I decided to walk there. It's a bit over a mile round trip, not bad at all, but oh how I fought with myself about it. I did not want to take a walk. It was humid outside. And I was just plain feeling lazy. I put it off until almost the last minute, but then I decided that I was not going to give up on my exercise goal on just the 2nd day.

So I did it.

Grudgingly.

Still, I felt good afterward that I had done it, and that I didn't have to exercise again until tomorrow.

Or so I thought.

Tonight, after dinner, Nathan wanted to ride his bike. And Steve was still at the church. So I was in the game.

I could have told him no. I was tired, and I had already taken a walk today. But my boy wanted to ride his bike with me. And I wasn't about to let him down.

So, I walked another mile alongside Nate on his bike. And for some strange reason... I enjoyed it much more this time around! The time went quicker, the distance felt shorter, and even the heat didn't seem so draining. Being with Nathan made the difference. It almost didn't feel like exercise at all...

Almost.

Putting myself out there

Sounds scary just to type it. But, I have come to realize that I need accountability in this weight-loss journey, because it is not just going to magically happen on it's own. I have been blogging here since January, and though I did take off the privacy setting after about a month, I haven't really been telling people about this blog either.

But that's gonna change.

Thanks to Facebook, there are hundreds of people out there who check in on my life from time to time. You read my status updates and see my pictures, and you read my other blog which I do publish on FB... and now you are welcome to read this one as well. But be warned: this is my weight-loss blog, and I am going to try to blog in the good times and bad, in the time of healthy choices and the time of binges. I am going to try to be honest here. Because lying to myself isn't getting me anywhere.

There are a few facts that I must get out of the way up front.

Fact #1: I am not healthy.

Duh, right? I mean, anyone can tell by looking at me that I am not healthy. I'm pretty obviously overweight. It's not like I'm able to hide it from anyone. And yet, I have tried and tried in the past to convince myself that I'm really not that fat. Or that it's really not that big of a deal. But those have been lies that I've told myself to keep myself here. And I just can't lie about it anymore.

Fact #2: My health is not going to get better if I stay at this weight, it's going to get worse.

I already have insulin resistance. I don't want to get diabetes. Or have a heart attack or stroke. I know what it is like to lose a parent. My mom died when I was 21. And I don't want Nathan to have to go through something like that. Not if there is anything I can do to prevent it. I read once that obesity is now the leading cause of preventable death in the United States. Preventable means that I can do something to change my odds. And I owe it to myself and my loved ones to make the changes.

Fact #3: No one else can do this for me.

With God's help, I need to learn to eat healthier, I need to exercise my body, and I need to change my habits for the rest of my life. I need to learn to see food differently, to use it for fuel and not to feed an emotional need, and to eat the correct portions and balanced nutrition for my overall health. I need to exercise, to move my body and make it strong. I have to do it.

Fact #4: I need people around me to encourage me and keep me accountable.

That's where you come in. If you have read this far and are still with me, thank you. Please pray for me, and encourage me, and ask how I'm doing if I stop posting for awhile. Please let me tell you about my successes and my failures. Please be gentle with me when I'm beating myself up, and please be tough on my when I'm making excuses.

Cause I need all the help I can get!

Ugh!

Well, I finally weighed in after 3 weeks of eating pretty much whatever I want... and the news isn't pretty. I'm up 4 lbs.

The good news is, my motivation is back, so hopefully we'll get that scale moving back down in the right direction soon!

Back on Track?

I know, I know. I've been a blog slug. But the truth of the matter is... I haven't been really doing anything on my weight loss journey these past couple of weeks. It's not that I've given up... but I haven't really been doing anything either.

And I know that has to change.

I am not going to lose this weight by wishing, or by hoping, or by praying.

If this weight is going to come off, I have to actually DO it.

The fact of the matter is, I have a real disease. It has a name (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and it even has an abbreviation (PCOS). It has real affects on my body. And it really does make it really hard for me to lose weight.

It's like my own body is conspiring against me.

BUT (there's always a big butt, right D?), the #1 best thing I can do to treat my PCOS and counteract all that it does in my body is... wait for it... lose weight. Yes, I'm on medicine. And I need to be. But I can do the most good for myself by focusing my time and energy into learning how to eat (and how NOT to eat) with PCOS.

But how do I eat with PCOS?

Well... I googled it. And this is what I found:

1. Step 1

   Reduce refined carbohydrates, such as sugar, white flour, potatoes, pasta, sugar-sweetened drinks and white rice. These carbohydrates digest quickly and will cause blood sugar to spike. Choose whole grains instead, including brown rice and whole-wheat bread, because they take longer to digest and release their sugar more slowly.

2. Step 2

   Eat proteins, like beans, lean meats or dairy products, with meals to, again, slow the release of sugar in your blood stream.

3. Step 3

   Exercise daily. A 30-minute walk improves your body's use of insulin. In addition, expending energy will help with weight loss.

4. Step 4

   Eat a 1/4 to 1/2 tsp. of cinnamon daily with meals. Research shows that cinnamon reduces sugar levels in the blood stream.

5. Step 5

   Include plenty of fruits and vegetables in your diet. With the exception of starchy vegetables like corn and potatoes, vegetables have little impact on blood sugar, so eat freely. Also, stick to whole fruits, because processed fruits, such as orange juice and applesauce, digest quickly.

So... I'm gonna start right here.

Maintained this week. I'm fine with that, but I do hope to see a loss this next week!

The other day Steve put his arms around me to hug me, and he said he could tell I was losing weight. Of course, I always like hearing that! And it's true, I have lost weight... down the sides. I always tend to lose weight there first.

If only I could lose some of the spare tire around my middle. That always seems to hang on until the bitter end.

As I lose weight, I'll notice it in my sides, my waist, my face... but not my belly.

I know if I just stick with it, and keep going, and keep losing... my belly will start to shrink too. And I know that one of the symptoms of my PCOS is that my body tends to hold onto that belly fat like it's going out of style. But I will eventually get rid of it... if I don't give up!

Down another .5 lbs since Sunday, which isn't too bad considering my monthly friend who is not really my friend showed up today as well! I'll take it!

Little Victory

Tonight, I am sitting here alone in the blissfully quiet house while my husband and son are at Dairy Queen. Nathan had a coupon for a free ice cream from his school that he wanted to use, and I knew if I went I would get myself something.

Oh, Brownie Batter Blizzard... how you call to me!

But, I told Steve that I was not going to get anything. He blinked and said, "Really?"

YES, REALLY!

Now in his defense, this is unusual behavior for me. He knows how I feel about the aforementioned BBB. But he also knows how hard I've been trying, and he said he was proud of me and agreed to take Nathan by himself so that I would not be tempted beyond what I can bear.

God always provides a way of escape, doesn't He?

Anyway, there are 2 people in my family eating ice cream right now, and I'm not one of them.

I consider that a little victory.

I had a great, healthy day today. I ate low-carb all day, even ignoring the bread and my favorite potato casserole at my dad and stepmom's house tonight. I discovered I really like turkey wrapped in lettuce leaves instead of bread. I ate scrambled eggs and turkey bacon for breakfast and actually felt satisfied until lunch. And, I drank water.... lots of it!

The only unhealthy choice I made was I did have a small slice of strawberry pie for dessert at my family's house... but I'm ok with that. I don't eat strawberry pie everyday.

Looking forward to another day of healthy eating tomorrow. I'm ready for the scale to start moving again!

I know what I'm going to do

What plan I'm going to follow, at least. I'm going to follow the diet they put women on who have gestational diabetes. Why, you may ask? Well, there are a couple reasons...

First of all, this is how I need to be eating anyway with my PCOS and my insulin resistance. It will help regulate my disorder AND help me lose weight... which will only help me in trying to get pregnant as well.

Secondly, when I do manage to get pregnant, this is how I will need to be eating then too. I may not get gestational diabetes, but I very well may. And I know that I will need to eating as if I have it from the get-go. So I may as well start now.

So, what does that mean? What does the "I'm just going to pretend I have gestational diabetes" diet (or the IJGTPIHGD diet for short!) look like? In talking to a friend of mine who has it for real, it looks something like this:

3 meals plus 3 snacks a day. (So far, so good!)
At breakfast and for each snack, I can have 30 grams of carbs.
For lunch and dinner, I can have 60 grams of carbs.
I need to eat a protein of some kind at every meal.

I am going to officially start this diet after we go to the store tomorrow, because I need to stock up on the foods that I need to be eating. But I have already started being aware of the carbs in the foods that I am eating, and striving to make lower-carb choices.

I feel good about this. I think I can eat lower-carb instead of no-carb. And I think this will be good for both my overall health and my trying to get pregnant. It seems like a good fit for me. So wish me luck!

What am I waiting for?

Today I took a pregnancy test, and it was negative. This first round of clomid with my RE did not work, and so now we're gearing up for round 2. And though it's disappointing, of course, my attitude has been pretty good today. I'm excited about trying a new drug in addition to the clomid this next round, and I know it just takes time to find the right drug cocktail to treat my PCOS and succeed in trying to get pregnant.

But I realized today, in light of the fact that I will be starting another cycle of trying, that I need to be losing this weight now, before I get pregnant. For some reason, I think I have not stuck with a diet because I think I will get pregnant this time around, and then I won't be dieting anyway. But hello... I'm not pregnant now! So I need to be dieting now. And when I am pregnant, because I am already insulin resistant, I'm going to have to eat like I have gestational diabetes... and I may even develop it for real. So I really should begin eating that way now, so that when I am pregnant, it's no big deal eating healthy, because I've already been doing it.

So I'm using that negative pregnancy test as my arrow pointing me toward healthy choices now. And I pray that this next round of trying to conceive on fertility meds will be successful. But whether it is or isn't, it will only benefit me to eat the way I know I should. It may actually help the fertility drugs to work better if I lose some of this extra weight. And I know it will make me a healthier preggo if I get into the healthy eating habit now.

I'm not only gearing up for a new cycle... I'm going to start eating the way I should for the rest of my life. Low-carb (not no-carb!), lean meats, fruits and veggies, low-fat dairy, and very little refined sugar or flour. And water. Lots and lots of water.

I'm gonna get pregnant AND skinny!

Uh-huh!

Down another 1.5 lbs this week!

I have no idea how it happened, as I haven't been 100% committed this week, but I will take it!

With all the Easter candy in this house, I am going to have to try really hard this week in order to see another loss on the scale next week!

OK... I'm starting tomorrow!

Actually, I did really good today until dinner. I had scrambled eggs for breakfast. I made chicken salad for lunch. I drank all my water. I even got some exercise in the form of a family walk.

But at dinner, we went out for Mexican. My choices weren't too bad, but I did have a small amount of rice, some chips and cheese dip, and a flour tortilla with my meal.

Honestly, I'm fine with my choices. I don't want to be psycho, or all-or-nothing anymore. I did good today. I had carbs at dinner. And that's ok.

I just need to try to make the best choice I know how each and every day. I am making healthy changes, and I'm holding on to that! :)

Ready to begin again again

AGAIN!

But seriously, I am there. I am ready. And tomorrow I am starting again.

I've decided to go back to South Beach. Yes, it's hard. But I really, REALLY need to limit my carbs in order to lose weight with my PCOS and insulin resistance. It will be a huge change for me, but I need to do it. I know the first couple weeks will be hard, when I am severely limited in my eating, but I also know that I can do it, because I've done it before. And it worked for me.

Today at lunch I had my "last meal" of a Big Mac and fries. Tomorrow, I'm going to the store to stock up on healthy foods that I can actually eat. I'm going to eat eggs and turkey bacon for breakfast. I'm going to make chicken salad or tuna or salad for lunches. And whatever we make for dinner, I'm going to find a way to have it no carb. Last time around, we even made me a pizza bake in a casserole dish when the boys had homemade pizza!

So, I'm going back on South Beach Phase 1 for my eating.

I'm going to get my water in. I've got my 32 oz water bottle all washed and ready to go.

I'm going to exercise. Today Steve and Nathan and took a walk (well, Steve and I walked while Nathan rode his bike!). We walked around one square block 3 times. And I enjoyed it!

I'm going to blog here each night and let you all know how I've done each day.

I'm doing this for me. For my health. For my witness. For my future.

It's time.

I'm not feeling very pretty today.

I'm dressed for church in the stretchy black pants that I always wear, in a cute but tent-like top, and I dread being on display. Not that people at my church will be batting an eye, after all, they are used to me looking like this. But I feel so huge today. And it's affecting my attitude.

I want to hide. I want to isolate myself. I want to stay in the house and never leave.

But none of those are options. So I have to paste on a pleasant expression and get over myself.

The thing is, I know that I am the only one who can change what I hate most about myself... my weight. No one else can do it for me. I choose what I eat. I pick what I drink. I decide if I exercise or not. And I have to deal with the consequences of my choices.

On days like today, I feel so overwhelmed with the changes that I need to make. I don't deny that something needs to change... but I think about the long road ahead of me in this journey toward health, and I'm not sure I can make it. What if I try, really try this time, and I still fail again? What if I'm always going to look and feel just like I do today?

Being down on myself and overwhelmed only serves to make me want to quit before I even start. But I can't do what I've always done and expect the outcome to be different. If I don't change my behavior, I will remain fat and unhealthy... or worse.

I could die from complications from this extra weight. And do I really want to make my son motherless just because I couldn't say no to the cookies and ice cream? Do I want laziness to rob my son of his mother or my husband of his wife?

I know what I need to do. I just need to do it!

These are a few of my favorite things!

On this weight-loss journey, at least!

I have been trying to find what works for me to eat in order to both lose weight and still be satisfied and I have come up with a few tricks of the trade. Things I'm loving right now include:

~Laughing Cow cheese wedges. These are awesome! I spread them on celery and it tastes so creamy and yummy! Plus they are really cute how they come individually packaged in a little wedge!

~Almonds. When I'm craving something crunchy and a little salty, I'll grab some almonds and that really satisfies. I do have to be careful not to overdue it, however, so I usually count out 15 and try to stick to that.

~Turkey bacon. It does taste a little different than the bacon we all know and love, but when I'm majorly burnt out on eggs for breakfast it does add a little flavor to an otherwise boring breakfast.

~Sugar-free fudge pops. I can eat one of these and convince myself that I'm having ice cream. Of course... they don't last very long. Sometimes I end up eating 2. But at 50 calories a pop, I can do that!

~Dried cherries. My friend makes this amazing chicken pasta salad using dried cherries and pecans. I don't use the pasta to make it more carb-friendly, and I eat it either on a bed of lettuce or just with a fork. It's amazingly good and I'm going to make a batch of it today to eat for lunches.

~Fiber One bars. I'll have one for breakfast or as a snack. They taste great, are very convenient, and they help keep things moving, if you know what I mean!

Now if I can just figure out a way to make water taste like Cherry Coke Zero, I'll be all set! :)

Yes, I changed my ticker, but I'm not really down 0 lbs. I'm down 6 for the year. But I thought having an even 80 lbs to lose would be easier than tracking 86 lbs. I know, it doesn't make sense. But it works for me!

Today was a day. I made some good choices, and I made some not-so-good choices. Here's what I was proud of today:

I went to McDonald's this AM on my way to the church. I got Nathan a breakfast sandwich, and though I really really wanted one, all I got myself was a diet coke.

We had subway for dinner tonight and I got a 6-inch turkey with lots of veggies and no cheese.

Go me!

Now, here's what I was not so proud of today:

I ate spaghetti for lunch, which is not in and of itself bad, but it's high carb and I am trying to eat less carbs.

I only drank 16 ozs of water.

I got a DQ Blizzard tonight. And ate it. All.

I will say that I did get some exercise yesterday as Nathan and I and some friends walked up to the St. Patrick's Day Parade and then back to our house afterward. It was probably a little over a mile of walking, which is not a lot, but is much better than the nothing I have been doing!

The road to Normal is paved with Good Intentions

I really did try to have a healthy day yesterday. I've decided that I am going to go back to low-carb, because that is the way I need to be eating with my PCOS anyway. But, I am not going to be super-strict like I was on South Beach phase 1... I'm just going to take the principles I learned on that diet and find a way to work it into everyday life. Sounds good, right?

Right?

Well anyway, yesterday started off good. I got up and scrambled myself and egg for breakfast. I had leftover meatballs for lunch. But then I unexpectedly had to go watch my friend's kids and I hadn't brought any snacks... so by the time dinner rolled around I was FAMISHED and we drove-through McDonald's and I got chicken nuggets and fries and ate it all.

Even that would have been too bad, except that night I was feeling snacky and I ended up way overeating on junk food.

I don't know why I do that, because when I eat junk at night I can't fall asleep, and I get heartburn, and my metformin doesn't like it so I get "tummy upset" which doesn't feel good at all.

Why oh why can't I remember how bad I feel afterwards while I'm in the midst of a binge? Seriously!

So today I got up and vowed to do better. I was all set to make another egg but then realized that I'm out of cooking spray, so I ended up eating a Fiber One bar. Not the best choice, but not horrible either. I also got out my 32 oz. water bottle and filled it up first thing this morning, and I've already drunk half of it. So, I'm trying today.

I need to weigh in tonight at church because I really don't have any idea what I weigh right now. And then we'll see where the week takes us.

Pictures don't lie

I was looking at some pictures of myself that other people had posted of me on Facebook, and guess what soon became abundantly clear... I AM FAT! I mean, really really fat! I look at my chins and my spare tire around my belly and my muffin top and I cannot deny that I am fat.

Even when I was thinner, I was still fat. The last time I can remember looking normal, not fat, was in college after Steve and I started dating, and I was so nervous around him all the time that I wasn't eating hardly at all. Not the best way to lose weight, to be sure, but I looked great!

So yes, I know I'm fat. And I don't like the way I look. But I still feel so powerless to change.

The thing is, SouthBeach worked for me... but I know I can't keep that up long term. As soon as I started adding some carbs back in, I stopped losing. With my PCOS, I know carbs are one of the worst things I can eat. Yet what do I crave 24/7? Carbs, of course! And not the healthy carbs like veggies or whole grain, whole wheat carbs. No, I crave pasta, and cake, and all manner of unhealthy choices. And when I deny myself over and over again, pretty soon I cave and give in and start eating everything in sight. It's a vicious cycle.

I used to pray that I would just get diabetes, because maybe then I would finally have the motivation to start eating the way I know I should. But honestly, I have been diagnosed with insulin resistance, caused by my PCOS, and I know that the things I eat has an effect on my health. Right now, they have a negative effect, because I am not making good food choices. But I also know that if I started making an effort to eat the way I know I need to, my eating could actually have a positive effect on my health... and on my disease.

I know all this, and yet I still do nothing.

Why? Because changing these long-ingrained habits will take a huge effort, and a total life-style change. I'll have to shop differently, cook differently, change the way I think about food and it's uses in my body. I'll have to get up off my butt and move my body in a intentional way. I'll have to not have foods in the house that will trip me up, foods like chips or ice cream or baked goods. Which will also mean that my family, who do not have weight issues, will have to do without their snacks too.

Yes, I know it would be good for them in the long run too, but it still makes me feel like a mean momma and wife.

When it comes right down to it, I am lazy. I am. And until I am ready and wiling to change that, I will continue to be just plain fat.

So what's it going to take for me? What steps can I start taking now on this journey to better health? Where do I start?

I'm not sure. But I want to find out.

Down another pound this week! Woo hoo!

I still need to find a plan and stick with it, but I have been trying these past week to concentrate on getting more water in and only eating when I am actually hungry.

It's all about the baby steps, I guess!

WIW

Didn't happen last night. I didn't get over to the scale before the meeting that is held in that room started, and I wasn't about to go interrupt prayer meeting to way my big ol' butt! So, I will just have to wait until Sunday.

Just didn't want anyone (and I do mean one... I think I only have one reader!) to accuse me of not posting my weight this time around. :)

I have no idea what I am doing

SERIOUSLY!

I mean, I had some success doing South Beach phase 1. I lost 7 lbs in 2 weeks. And then I started adding carbs back in and everything went to pot. I not only stopped losing, but I started gaining. Which I tried to counter by pretty much throwing in the towel and eating whatever I wanted, because if I was going to gain anyway...

You get the picture.

Before my surgery, I was back up to 243, just 3 measly pounds down from my starting point.

Awesome.

Last week, I was back down to 239.5, which was great... except I have no idea how it happened. And I have no idea what the scale is going to say tonight, because I have been doing a whole lot of nothing on the weight-loss front this past week.

OK, I take that back. I have been doing something. I've been reading about different eating plans trying to figure out which one I think I can actually stick with long-term. I've been beating myself up for making bad choices in the midst of making them. I've been cheering on while secretly being jealous of friends who are making good choices. And I've been telling myself that this is just who I am, that I've always been this way, and that I'll never be able to change.

Oh those negative thoughts we whisper to ourselves, right?

The truth is, I haven't always been this way. There was a time when I was on a swim team and swam for an hour and a half every morning before school. Even after I quit swim team, I was never super-skinny, but I was not fat. I thought I was. But now I know better.

Even in my adulthood, I have lost weight before. The lightest I can remember getting in recent history was 198 lbs, though, which is still a long way off from my goal weight.

I have noticed a pattern to my thinking, though. Every time I start to lose weight and start noticing changes in my physic, I get freaked out and start eating again. It's almost like I'm afraid that if I shed this weight once and for all, I wont' have the excuse of being "too fat" anymore... and I may have to actually let people see me and I might actually have to try things and I might fail... or I might succeed. And that is terrifying.

So I sabotage myself. And I start to gain back the weight, and I'm able to hide again.

I can almost hear Dr. Phil in my head, "And how is that working for you?"

It's not, Dr. Phil. I know that. I can admit it. But I'm not sure yet how to change it.

So that is where I'm at. Stuck. More self-aware this time, maybe, but still stuck. But I know enough to know that eating my way through a half gallon of ice cream at 11:00 at night is not going to help this time. I'm just not sure what will.

Things that make you go Hmmmm...

I have no idea how it happened, but I'll take it!

Pre-surgery on Friday morning I weighed in at 243 lbs. Tonight at my weekly weigh-in I was down to 239.5.

It doesn't make sense, but it's all good with me!

Gracie needs her groove back

I just cannot seem to stay motivated in this weight-loss thing. I have so many excuses.

When things are going bad, I want to eat.

When things are going good, I want to eat.

When I am stressed, I want to eat.

When I am excited, I want to eat.

When I am bored, I want to eat.

When I am tired, I want to eat.

No matter what is going on or what I am feeling, I want to eat my through it!

I am addicted to food. Pure and simple. But now that I've recognized and admitted that... what in the world do I do now?

And now back to our show

At the urging of my one reader (HI D!), I'm back in the blogging game, and about to get back in the whole healthy eating game too.

I've not been doing good the past couple of weeks. In fact, I've been doing the opposite of good... which you English majors out there know, and in fact anyone over the age of 2 knows, means I've been doing BAD these past 2 weeks.

It's like I got to the point where I couldn't keep South Beach going perfectly, so instead of modifying it to match up with my life, I just quit. I went in the total opposite direction and started eating just about anything I wanted. And I've paid the price for that.

I didn't even weigh this week because I knew it would be bad. But they weighed me Friday before my surgery, and I was 243.

243?

I started out at 246!

Now I know that it was a different scale, I had my shoes on, I was fully dressed, blah, blah, blah. But the fact remains that I am basically back to where I started and I am not ok with that.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do this week. Part of me wants to try phase 1 again because I know it works and get myself all detoxed again. But part of me knows that I just can't do that long-term so I wonder if I need to find something else that I can stick with. My biggest concern this week is that a couple people are bringing us meals since I just had surgery (bless my church friends!), and I don't really feel like I can tell them, "No carbs please!" But at the same time, I need some kind of plan to follow because I don't do really well on my own.

Tomorrow is a new day and a new start for me, but I'm not sure what exactly I'll be starting yet. I do know this... Nathan's valentine candy is under lock and key and is not for me! It helps that he's old enough to actually know what he has so I can't get away with stealing it anymore.

Any suggestions for me? You know... from my one reader? :)

The Fat Girl

This weekend I proctored the ACT. Steve and I often do this, it's an easy way to make some money, and Nathan gets to hang out with Papa while we do it.

This time around, I was in the last room, so I only had 13 people taking the test. I had all types: the tall, gangly boys, the athletic jocks, a couple scruffy-looking guys, some cute girls, an "I can't believe she wore that much makeup at 7:30 in the morning" girl... and a fat girl.

I hate, hate, hate that I describe her that way, even to myself! But she was. Much heavier than anyone else there. Stringy hair. Guarded expression.

As I looked at her taking the test, I realized that even a fat girl like me, noticed her weight first thing. So is it any wonder that the thin world sees that first about me? I mean, if you were to meet me for the first time, and then someone asked you, "Which one is Grace?", how would you describe me? You could mention my curly brown hair or my glasses or my smile, but whether you said it or not, your first thought would probably be "the heavy-set girl".

And you'd be right. I am the heavy-set girl.

The fat girl.

I know it. You know it. We all know it. It's the truth of who I am.

But it still hurts to hear.

I realized that even though I could empathize and understand that fat girl at the ACT better than probably anyone else in that room, I STILL saw that she was fat. In fact, it was the very first think I noticed about her, and what I remember about her.

When people see me, I don't want them to see just another fat girl. I don't want them to see me at all. I want them to see Jesus, who lives in me. But how can people see Him when all they see is fat?

I know it is time to change my habits once and for all in order to be healthy and whole. I can even do pretty good... for a time. But I have never been able to stick with it for the long-term. Even in the short month since I've been keeping this blog, I've probably only been "on program" about half the time.

But I am taking a real hard look at myself, the fat girl, and I'm trying to figure out how to change.

Like I said, it's been a bad week.

I'm up 2.5 lbs. Back to 240. Yuck.

I've had a bad week

Seriously.

And not just in the diet-world, but in my real world too. Which of course trickled down into my eating.

Of course.

Without going into many details, I've just had an emotional week. And when I get emotional, whatever the emotion happens to be, I have one go-to response always ready in my arsenal. Yep, you guessed it... eating. And not just eating; OVER-EATING.

It started on Wednesday night, right after my awesome weigh-in. We had Taco Bell. Then the next day I had a doctor's appointment and my in-laws were watching Nate and so Steve and I went out to lunch. At Red Robin.

Then over the weekend I had to do some baking for a luncheon at church, so there were baked goods around. Then Sunday I lost my ring, which not only led to another emotional break-down, but also caused us to have to eat out on Monday because we couldn't use any water until after the plumber came to make sure my ring hadn't gone down the toilet.

Plus I'm on hormones right now trying to get my body ready for a surgery I'm having next week, and my period just started.

Oh yeah... good times.

So all that say, I'm pretty sure I will have a gain tonight when I weigh-in. But I will weigh-in. And I will post my weight. And I will start again. In fact, I already have. But I think the damage has already been done, and the scale will reflect that. My little swimmer guy will be swimming backwards again this week.

But today is a new day. And it's going to be a healthier one!

WIW

I've decided to change my official weigh-in from Sunday morning (at church) to Wednesday evening (at church). Why, you may ask? Well, thanks for asking. The reason is Thursday.

See, Steve has Thursdays off, and most Thursdays will find us doing something fun together as a family. That often includes eating at least one meal out. And honestly, realistically, I need to be able to not worry about my diet on Thursdays.

Hence, weighing in Wednesday nights. This way, I can work hard all week, weigh in, have the next day "off", and then get right back into it for the rest of the week.

So I weighed last night, and even though it hasn't been a full week (since Sunday, when I last "officially weighed in), I'm counting it as a week. And I'm here to inform you that this (half of a) week,
I lost 1.5 lbs!

Yep. I'm pretty awesome like that! :)

I am not a diabetic!

At least, not yet!

I am taking a medication called Metformin, which is a diabetic drug. Now my health insurance sends me all their publications for people with diabetes. And my medicine bottle urges me to wear a medical alert to inform people that I take this medication.

I was given Metformin by my OB to treat my PCOS, which is a disorder that affects not only fertility in women, but also causes weight gain around the middle due to a insulin resistance. Hence the diabetic drug. Hence the low-refined carbs, low-sugar diet. Hence the quest for weight-loss.

I am not a diabetic, but I could be one in the future. Women with PCOS have an increased risk of developing the disease. So my hope in adopting this new way of eating is to almost act like I already have diabetes so I won't actually get it one day. Does that make any sense at all?

I will say this for metformin: now that I have gotten used to not eating much sugar, if I do have some, my body lets me know about it... in the bathroom. Yes, if I eat a cookie, metformin does its best to encourage said cookie to just pass right on through without hanging around, which causes me to have to... uh... go.

But that's ok. If I eat something that my body doens't need and can't use, I'm glad I have a little helper to get rid of it! And, the next time I want a cookie, I stop and ask myself if I really want the poo issue that goes along with it! Gross as it sounds, it helps.

I mean, Nathan and I made lemon bars last night for Steve, and when he had one last night I was barely even tempted to join him. I had a sugar-free fudge pop instead, and I could almost hear the metformin roaring in approval.

Let's talk about fruit, baby!

This week I have begun to add back in some of the foods that I was not able to eat on Phase 1. I am doing this S-L-O-W-L-Y, because I don't want to add too much back in all at once and stall my weight-loss.

For the most part, I have been adding in fruit, at least one a day, sometimes 2.

And it's been glorious!

I used to think strawberries weren't sweet. I wouldn't eat them unless they had sugar on them. I ate one the other night and my eyes just closed from the pure pleasure of it. Seriously, that strawberry was so sweet! How could I have been so wrong about them all this time?

And yesterday, I ate a banana. Now I have always thought bananas were pretty sweet, but eating one yesterday was like biting into pure sugar cane. It tasted so good!

It's amazing to me to realize that I had tricked my taste buds into thinking they needed artificial sweetness to satisfy. But after 3 weeks of very little added sugar, fruit "suddenly" tastes amazingly sweet.

It's nice to have something that really feels like a dessert, and yet it's still good for me. Between fruit and sugar-free fudge pops, my sweet tooth hasn't been feeling denied hardly at all!

It's kinda like having your cake and eating it too...
except the cake is a nice, juicy orange!

WIS

Yep, you guessed it... Weigh in Sunday!

Well, since Wednesday night I'm down another pound, for a total loss of 4 lbs this week! I was glad to see that pound gone in spite of the fact that we ate at Chipolte last night, and even though I got a bowl and not a burrito, it was still sitting pretty heavy this morning, if you know what I mean.

So, I've lost 7 lbs total so far, and I hope to see another good loss next week. AND, the good news is that I am now in the 230s... weighing in this AM at 239! That always feels good to get down into a new digit!

I am going to start introducing some more foods back into my diet, mostly fruit and a few healthy carbs like oatmeal for breakfast, but I'm going to try to still not eat any bread, potatoes, rice or pasta this week. I don't want to go overboard with adding things back in and end up stalling in my weight loss. I figure fruits and oatmeal and good items to start with. And though I might not see as big a loss this next week, if I can consistently lose 1-2 lbs a week I will be losing weight in a healthy, steady fashion!

Going Public

Well, kind of.

I changed my privacy settings on this blog so that you don't have to be invited in order to read it. I still think it will be pretty private, because I'm not planning on putting this on Facebook or anything yet, but I guess if you want to read about the trials and tribulations of a fat girl trying to make her way toward normal... well, here you go. Welcome.

I am very much looking forward to being off phase 1. I'm just getting bored with my food choices. But I know that even when I start adding fruit and healthy carbs back in, I'm pretty much still going to have to "Just Say No!" to baked goods, bread, potatoes and pasta most of the time. I do plan on adding oatmeal and maybe whole wheat English muffins to my breakfast rotation, in addition to fruit glorious fruit. And I'm looking forward to being able to eat fat free yogurt again. I'm also going to try to find some good whole-wheat pasta for the Italian in me.

But I don't think I'll be able to eat potatoes very often. Or bread.
Or cookies.

That's ok, though. I've found that I can live without them. I can eat nuts when I crave chips. I can eat sugar-free pudding or an orange when I crave a cookie. I can make these changes and save those foods that don't work for me (refined sugars and flours) for actual special occasions, not just the everyday ones I used to use.

(Oh, it's Friday the 11th, which is just 2 days off from being Friday the 13th! Let's have cake!)

See, that's bad. I can't do that anymore.

And the best thing is, if I do over-indulge (like on my birthday or on vacation), I can always go back on phase 1 for a week to get myself back on track. That's the beauty of this program.
It's f-l-e-x-i-b-l-e!

So here's to 2 more days on phase 1. I can pretty much guarantee that I will be eating oatmeal and fruit for breakfast on Monday!

WIW

That's Weigh-In Wednesday, in case you were wondering!

I went ahead and weighed tonight at church and guess what... in 3 days back on phase 1 I've lost the 3 lbs that I had gained over vacation!

WOO-HOO!

So I'm gonna go ahead and move my ticker back down, because I did not like having to swim backwards last week!

Forgive me, diet, for I have sinned

I had some Doritos at lunch.

A bad taste in my mouth

One thing I have noticed as I've been eating phase 1 is that my breath is horrible! I always seem to have this bad taste in my mouth. I brush my teeth often, and drink water, and even chew sugar-free gum, but it seems to come right back. Last night I was mentioning it to Steve, and he told me it was probably the fat from the meat I've been eating coating my throat. And since I haven't been eating any carbs to "soak it up"... well, you get the picture. Just another reason I'm looking forward to S-L-O-W-L-Y adding back in some HEALTHY carbs. But all told, it hasn't been too bad so far.

Last night, Steve made homemade pizza for he and Nathan. For me, he made me a dough-less pizza bake type thing in a casserole dish. It was actually pretty good. Today I plan on making some chicken salad for lunch, because I've been eating a lot of red meat these last few days and I need me some poultry! I'm always nervous when I try to make a new recipe for the first time. I just don't enjoy experimenting in the kitchen! Some people love it I know, but not me. But, I'm going to do it anyway because I need another option to eat this week!

Cookies and brownies and carbs... Oh My!

So last night I had to make cookies and brownies for an event at the church. And I did not eat a single cookie. I did not eat a single brownie. I did not lick the bowl or brownie batter or pop some cookie dough in my mouth. I baked and didn't cheat on my diet.

That's huge for me, folks!

I was pretty hungry last night, and I had a big emotional outpouring (not because I was hungry, but in addition to it!), so I wanted to snack last night. But instead of reaching for those cookies, I had some sugar-free popsicles and a sugar-free jello. Whee.

At least I could snack without feeling guilty and undermining all my hard work that day.

So, today is Day 2. I have no idea what I'm going to eat for lunch or dinner, which is probably a dangerous place to be. But I'm determined to eat the way I'm supposed to today, so I'll figure something out.

Day 1... again

Today I started back on South Beach phase 1, after a week of vacation that resulted in a 3 lb gain. I'm actually feeling excited about starting back, because though I enjoyed eating out on our vacation and not worrying about my diet, I must admit I felt much better when I was eating a low-carb, low-sugar diet. So I'm beginning again.

I'm still 3 lbs down from my starting weight, and I hope to lose at least 3 lbs this week so I can get back to where I was.

This morning I had scrambled eggs and a slice of turkey bacon. Probably have a salad for lunch, and then tonight we are having tacos, so I will have taco salad with no chips. I also got the ingredients to make this AMAZING chicken salad that my friend Marla had made for me before, and it's all low-carb. The only thing in it that I'm not technically supposed to have is dried cherries, but since it doesn't use many of them I'm going to go ahead and make it. Then I can have that for lunches either by itself or over salad veggies. Yum!

And when my motivation takes a hit, because I know it will... I'm going to think of my friend Dorian and how awesome she is doing, and about her brother Dwain, because I've learned from him too, D. Love you!

Being Accountable

Well, I went ahead and weighed today since we are still on vacation and we will not be at church tomorrow... and I have gained back 3 lbs. Boo hiss!

Even though I am disappointed, I'm not going to beat myself up over it. We've been on vacation, and we've been eating out, and so I gained some weight back. Monday I will start Phase 1 again and I am ready for it. Plus, since I've already done it once I already know I can do it, which I think will make it easier to stick with it all week!

I am trying to be accountable here, so even though I hate to do it, looks like my little swimmer will be swimming backwards this week. But next week I hope to have lost these 3 lbs and more!

Tonight my dad and step-mom took us out to dinner.
We ate at Stroud's.

'Nuff said.

It's hard to diet on vacation...

... though again, I did really good today until dinner. And even dinner wasn't as bad as it would have been before I started this new eating plan!

Tonight we ate at Red Robin. I got a chicken wrap instead of a burger, and the tortilla was spinach, so that wasn't too bad. But I did eat some of the steak fries. And, when our waiter brought us each a hot-from-the-oven chocolate chip cookie to thank us for our patronage... I ate one of those too.

Curse you, kind waiter!

So, this vacation, I vow to do as good as I can, while still enjoying myself. And if the scale doesn't move this week, so be it. Vacations don't last forever! :)

Monday, Monday

Today I did very good... until dinner. But we'll get to that.

Breakfast was a ham and cheese omelet, of which I ate about half. I have never been a big breakfast person, but I do try to eat something each morning. I know it's healthier, and I have to take my metformin with food twice a day, so I have to eat something in the morning.

Lunch was leftover chili, which tastes even better warmed over for some reason.

Today was the first day of our "stay-cation", and we went into Kansas City this afternoon. We did stop by a chocolate shop, and I got... nothing! So score one for me!

But this evening, we decided to take Nathan to see Alvin and the Chipmunks, and Steve has this theory that when we go to movies at the Barry Woods theater, we must eat at Minsky's pizza for dinner. And yes, they do have salads there... but if I'm at Minsky's, I've got to have pizza! So I did. And it was good.

Tonight I had a couple sugar-free fruit pops, and that's it for today. We did lots of walking, so I did get some exercise in. And other than dinner, I thought I did very well today.

Day 9

Today is day 9 on South Beach, and it's been good so far. I'm still super jazzed about my weight loss this past week! I know it probably won't be that big this week, but it sure has motivated me to keep going.

Today for breakfast I had 1 1/2 sausage patties. I can have them once a week, and it was a nice change from only eggs, I'm not going to lie. We also got some turkey bacon which I can have 2 slices of each day, so that will help too.

Lunch was a grilled chicken salad from Wendy's. Before I had even thought about it, I put the croutons on, but oh well. It was still a much, much better choice than anything else I could have gotten there. And, it was really good! Unlike Sonic. Though Sonic is still #1 for drinks... especially between 2 and 4!

I will probably try to eat dinner before church tonight since we have Business Meeting afterward, and I'm planning on having leftover chili. Then my normal treat of a sugar-free fudge pop after Nathan is in bed will finish off the night.

I did eat about 4 Hersey's kisses today, so I need to admit that to the diet police. Lock me up, but they were good!

Next week we are on vacation. We are not going anywhere, just planning on doing fun things around this area. But, we might be eating out more, so I'm praying that I will have the strength to make good choices, even when faced with tempting alternatives.

Moment of Truth...

OK, so we were going to be out and about all day today, and before we left town Steve had to go over to the church to unlock the gym for someone, so I just went ahead and weighed because I just had to know! I started this diet on Saturday, January 2, and on the 3rd I weighed in at 246 lbs. Today, after a week on South Beach...

I LOST 6 POUNDS!

So yeah, I'm definitely sticking with Phase 1 for one more week. Talk about motivation!

(Oh, and I changed my ticker to a swimmer, because let's be honest... I'd much rather swim than run!)

One Week Down!

Today was a much better day. I still wasn't super excited about breakfast, but I've never been much of a breakfast eater. I don't have much of an appetite first thing in the morning. But I made myself a cheese omelet and ate just over half of it, so that was fine.

Lunch was a big salad with baby spinach, chicken breast, cucumbers, green peppers, 15 almonds, and light balsamic vinaigrette dressing. Very tasty.

About 3:00 I had a snack of a lite cheese stick and a sugar-free jello.

Dinner was tacos, and I made a taco salad with these layers: lettuce, left-over chili, cheese, sour cream, and then just a few corn chips on the top for crunch. I was looking at the bag of chips and I discovered that this brand is 100% white corn... the only ingredients are white corn, vegetable oil, and salt. No sugars. So, even though I'm not supposed to have corn during phase 1, I put just a few chips on top. And it was so good!

I did have a blatant cheat today, though. This morning I REALLY wanted coffee, but we didn't have any sugar-free creamer. So I just used the real stuff. But, I am planning on shopping tomorrow and I will have sugar-free creamer on my list, so it's all good.

I have not gotten any exercise these last few days, but I can tell I have so much energy. Today I played with Nathan ALL DAY LONG (he's in a very clingy stage these days!) and did laundry and dishes. Most days I feel really good until about 2:00 and then I just get so tired. But I have been sleeping so much better at night and I find that my energy level during the day has been higher too.

I am very anxious to weigh-in on Sunday. I actually thought about going by the church tomorrow morning just to weigh, because I started this diet on a Saturday so it would be a week. I wish I had a scale at home, but it's probably just as well that I don't. I think I would be one of those people who started weighing all the time, and I don't need one more thing to stress about. But hopefully I will be posting a good loss here soon!

Day 6

Today was a day of setbacks and triumphs. The first of each of these came at lunch. Steve wanted Sonic, and though what I really wanted was a bacon cheeseburger on Texas toast and onion rings, what I ordered was a salad. Triumph!

However, when we got home and started eating, my salad was terrible. Seriously, Sonic has given up in the salad department, I think. They used to offer some options, and their salads came with a nice big onion ring right in the middle. Remember that? Well now, they offer grilled chicken and crispy chicken. I ordered the grilled, and it was so yucky. I could not eat it. I threw the whole thing away.

Which meant I needed to find something else to eat. As I mentioned previously, our options are rather limited since we hadn't been to the store, so I made some chicken noodle soup. And yes, I know the noodles are refined carbs. That was the setback. But I don't feel too bad about it because I really didn't have much choice. And these weren't thick homemade noodles, they were tiny paper-thin noodles from a boxed soup mix.

My other setback came in the form of M&Ms. I ate about 15 of them. I have no excuse. I ate them. And I've moved on from it.

My big triumph of today was that I did, in fact, try the chili recipe I had, and it turned out really good. I put a little cheese and sour cream on it and it was very satisfying. I sat at the dinner table and ate that while Steve and Nathan had spaghetti with homemade meat sauce. And though I LOVE spaghetti, especially on a cold winter's night, I was happy with my chili. So yippee for me!

Plus, I now have lots of leftover chili to eat for lunches. And that's just AWESOME!

Where's the joy?

I realized something as I got out of bed this morning: I don't look forward to eating like I used to. In fact, I had to force myself to eat one scrambled egg and half a glass of milk. This diet had become so restrictive that I don't even enjoy eating anymore. And that can't be good.

Eating is one of the joys of life. Before, I enjoyed it so much I let it get out-of-balance, and ate without thought to my overall health. That wasn't good either. But I do think there needs to be some kind of balance. Some way to enjoy eating food, and yet still achieve a healthy weight-loss.

I know I am on the most restrictive phase of this diet. I know this won't last forever. But I'm seriously considering just doing phase 1 for 1 week. I'm not sure I can handle it much longer.

It's not that I'm hungry, because I'm not. And honestly, my tummy issues that go hand-in-hand with my metformin have gone away. (Because I'm not eating refined carbs, which metformin cause to go right through me!) I'm not having headaches anymore either, and I do feel more energy. But I don't have any appetite at all, and I'm basically forcing myself to eat so that I have energy to get through the day. It stinks.

I know there are ways to get more variety on south beach, even on phase 1. I even found a great blog web site with lots of recipes to try for all phases. However, due to Winter Storm 2010, I'm not sure when I'll get out to the store again. And, if I'm being really honest, I don't enjoy trying new recipes as much as some people do. Especially if I'm also expecting my family to eat them. I'm not a very strong cook, and I always worry that whatever I'm making is not going to turn out right or that my family isn't going to like it. I think that's one reason why I've not taken the cooking duties back from my husband, even though I stay home now. I don't have any confidence in my cooking abilities. And some of these recipes call for ingredients I've never heard of.

Excuses? Maybe. But it's reality too.

I know that if I want to stick to any healthy eating plan long-term, be it south beach or weight watchers or low-gi or whatever, that I need to be proactive and plan meals and cook things that fit in with that healthy plan. I cannot expect my husband to change all his cooking habits and make things that I can eat, especially if I'm not willing to do it myself.

Today, my goal is to make a phase 1 chili recipe that I found. I have all the stuff for it. I know they boys aren't going to eat it anyway because they don't like beans. So really, even if it flops, it will only affect me. And who knows? Maybe it will be good, and will get me through another day! We'll see.

Starting to get hard

Today is Day 5 on South Beach phase 1, and it's starting to get hard. Like today at lunch, when I was dipping green peppers in tuna, I realized that my eating has really become more about sustenance and less about enjoyment. And while that's good in the long run, it means that the novelty of this plan is wearing off. But that's ok. I'm still sticking with it. I am determined to stick to phase 1 for 2 weeks. After that, I know I will be more than ready for phase 2! After 2 weeks of no sugar, I am dreaming about how good fruit will taste, and I never was much of a fruit eater. And that 40 calorie sugar-free fudge pop I have every evening after Nathan is in bed? Heavenly.

I will say that my cravings have gotten a lot less, and I haven't had a headache in 2 days. I do feel like I have more energy during the day too, which is good. I know this "detox" time has been beneficial for me, even without knowing how many pounds are gone at this point.

I am so wanting to weigh myself to see how these 5 days have affected my weight, but I won't. I don't have a scale at home (intentionally), and I use the doctor's scale at my church to weigh in once a week, on Sundays. Usually we have Wednesday night activities, but tonight it was cancelled due to weather, so I won't even be able to weigh tonight... no matter how hard I want to!

I feel good about how I've done so far. I know I still need to figure out an exercise plan, but for now I'm focusing on other things. And I feel ok about that!

No headache today!

Though I was grouchy. I don't think that was because of the diet though. Just had a long day.

I was proud of myself tonight at dinner. We had Phillie cheese steak sandwiches, and I had mine without the bread. Basically, I had a Phillie cheese steak pile... meat and green peppers and onions with a slice of melted cheese on top. And it was good. I won't lie and say, "I didn't even miss the bread!", because I did. For a moment. But sticking with the plan felt so much better than that bite of bread would have.

I'll be having a sugar-free fudge pop tonight and then Day 4 is done. I already want to weigh but I won't until my weekly weigh-day on Sunday. I sincerely hope my numbers have gone down some cause I have really been giving this my all!

Eggs eggs everywhere!

On South Beach stage one, you pretty much can't eat any carbs. So I've been eating eggs for breakfast every morning. Steve has been making me ham and cheese omelets, and they are so good. This morning I had my first attempt making one myself, and I actually flipped the thing! Those of you who know about my cooking (dis)abilities know what a big accomplishment this is. I've enjoyed eating eggs for breakfast because they taste great and they really do stick with me better than cereal.

For the first 3 days on Stage 1, I have had headaches throughout the day. Nothing horrible, but just a dull headache that I'm sure had something to do with the sugar detox my body is going through. But each day it gets better and better, and today so far I haven't had one at all. Usually if I start getting a headache it will be about time for me to eat, so I think my body is just letting me know that it's time for some more food! I haven't really felt hungry at all, which is great! There have been times that I have been tempted to cheat, like when I open up the package of my mother-in-law's fudge to give Nathan a piece and the smell of cocoa and sugar wafts out... but I haven't. I really want to stick to it these 2 weeks and see what the scale says at the end of Phase 1.

Exercise has been tough to get into. It's so cold outside! But I did take Nathan to the church gym yesterday, and I walked (while he ran laps around me!) for about 25 minutes. Even at that, one of my legs was sore by the time I was done. I'm just realizing that I need to start slow and build up my strength and endurance. But I figure something is better than nothing!

Today is Day 4. Here's to another great day!

Yogurt lids

Do you know what one of the hardest habits to break is? Finishing off my kid's food. Always before, if I'd make him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, I would lick the spoon. Or lick the lid of his yogurt after I give him the carton. Or finish that last bite or two on his plate at the end of the meal.

But these past 3 days, I've been much more aware of it, and I haven't been doing it. Especially on this strict phase of South Beach, even licking the sweetened yogurt off the lid is putting sugar into my system that I don't want. It's hard work breaking a refined carb and sugar addiction. It's almost got to be cold turkey. The cravings are already starting to go away. But I will be one happy camper when phase 2 starts in a couple weeks!

So here I am...

...one fat girl who needs to lose some weight. Not so I can be thin, but so I can be normal, average, healthy. I don't have unrealistic expectations. I know I'll never be a size 2. I'll never weigh 120 lbs. So I'm not journeying from Fat 2 Thin... I'm just going from Fat 2 Normal. That's enough for me!

Who am I? I'm a 33-year-old woman living in the midwest. I've been married for almost 12 years, and I have a 5-year-old son. My husband and I have been trying to have another baby for 3 years. I have been diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and insulin resistance. One of the symptoms of this disorder, in addition to being one of the leading causes of infertility among women, is a tendency to gain weight around the midsection. I am currently taking metformin, which is a diabetic drug that is also given to women with PCOS. In learning about how diet affects PCOS, I have learned about the importance of limiting refined carbs and sugars in my diet. Because of that, I have decided to follow the South Beach diet as I try to lose weight. I'm currently on Day 3 of Phase 1 (the strictest stage), and I've done really well. Though I am already looking forward to adding in more fruit and healthy carbs in Phase 2. I feel like I'm living on cheese sticks! :)

So that's where I am today.I weighed in on Saturday at 246 lbs... a mere 4 lbs away from my heaviest weight ever. Awesome, right? Wrong. I am way, way overweight, obese even, and it needs to change. I am being disobedient to God when I allow myself to be this unhealthy, and I'm not being a good example to others. Also, I'm not being the wife/mother/daughter/friend that God wants me to be. My weight holds me back. And I'm tired of it.

So here's my challenge to myself, and it's a big one: I want to lose 86 lbs by Thanksgiving 2010. It's going to be hard, I know. But I need to do this!