Pictures don't lie

I was looking at some pictures of myself that other people had posted of me on Facebook, and guess what soon became abundantly clear... I AM FAT! I mean, really really fat! I look at my chins and my spare tire around my belly and my muffin top and I cannot deny that I am fat.

Even when I was thinner, I was still fat. The last time I can remember looking normal, not fat, was in college after Steve and I started dating, and I was so nervous around him all the time that I wasn't eating hardly at all. Not the best way to lose weight, to be sure, but I looked great!

So yes, I know I'm fat. And I don't like the way I look. But I still feel so powerless to change.

The thing is, SouthBeach worked for me... but I know I can't keep that up long term. As soon as I started adding some carbs back in, I stopped losing. With my PCOS, I know carbs are one of the worst things I can eat. Yet what do I crave 24/7? Carbs, of course! And not the healthy carbs like veggies or whole grain, whole wheat carbs. No, I crave pasta, and cake, and all manner of unhealthy choices. And when I deny myself over and over again, pretty soon I cave and give in and start eating everything in sight. It's a vicious cycle.

I used to pray that I would just get diabetes, because maybe then I would finally have the motivation to start eating the way I know I should. But honestly, I have been diagnosed with insulin resistance, caused by my PCOS, and I know that the things I eat has an effect on my health. Right now, they have a negative effect, because I am not making good food choices. But I also know that if I started making an effort to eat the way I know I need to, my eating could actually have a positive effect on my health... and on my disease.

I know all this, and yet I still do nothing.

Why? Because changing these long-ingrained habits will take a huge effort, and a total life-style change. I'll have to shop differently, cook differently, change the way I think about food and it's uses in my body. I'll have to get up off my butt and move my body in a intentional way. I'll have to not have foods in the house that will trip me up, foods like chips or ice cream or baked goods. Which will also mean that my family, who do not have weight issues, will have to do without their snacks too.

Yes, I know it would be good for them in the long run too, but it still makes me feel like a mean momma and wife.

When it comes right down to it, I am lazy. I am. And until I am ready and wiling to change that, I will continue to be just plain fat.

So what's it going to take for me? What steps can I start taking now on this journey to better health? Where do I start?

I'm not sure. But I want to find out.